and I might actually die this year! :'D I'm GOING to do it. but god.... it's going to be difficult. I'm actually working this year and going out of state for thanksgiving and all that stuff. haha....

Diamante Defense.

Do you want me to update every day with what I've written? Or not? Just wait...?

I'm still alive. lol
238 devianations I'm not getting to tonight. Yeserday I wasn't at school due to lack of sleep from other stuff... *sighs* I REALLY need to go to a doctor. Which sucks. But that's okay.
report cards coming tomorrow. haha I'll work on stuff, though! new stuff..... so I'll be back soon!

I really am having a horrible time. I hate this. I was only able to get 3 hours of sleep last night when I was already tired and getting sick. My parents think I have the same self-confidence as every other teenager. I DON'T. I CONSTANTLY think I'm no good. I constantly want to give up. I constantly just stop and cry because I don't do ANYTHING else. I have emotion breakdowns NO ONE knows about and I can't even tell anyone if I wanted to! My parents are STALKING my facebook page. thus no privacy. I try to have a family decussion to try and let myself feel a bit better but, of course, it made it worse. they thought they knew what I was thinking and just... just made it horrible. and it's all just little things. I'm tired. My art class SUCKS this year. I'm sick and tired of it. I hate dealing with people. I'm HAPPY to be the lister I'm known to be. I WILL listen. But I just CAN'T sometimes. I can't when I have my own problems. I can't feel bad for you when I feel extremely bad. I just can't do it. I just... I'll parallel. But even if it's lesser than anyone else's problem I want some time to just... be ABLE to coplain. I need to let it out somewhere. and I CAN'T! I want to write but I can't. I want to draw but I can't. I want to work on my commission but I can't. I want to just ge tout of my house but I can't. ): I hated having to be the person, the only person to go up to my teacher to say "So you mentioned that if we couldn't pay for the class trip you would help us out.... well... I need that help..." it's EMBARRASSING! In person.... the people at school and church... my close friends? I don't feel supported by. At all. It's just continuous "no one cares." I really don't have self-confidence. That is what I hear. It's what enters my ears by actions or anything. I always meet someone and so I wait, thinking they're busy... I look in to see and they're just... sitting there. I can't go in.... it broke my heart. I wait a total of around.... hm. an hour. everyday. It doesn't matter.... I wrote something? Oh? It doesn't matter. I drew? I painted? It doesn't matter. and I'm sorry but I NEED support. and not from online friends. :\ It's nice but.... I can't tell lies on here. I am having a rough time....

gah. I"m sorry I haven't been on much. T___T I have a hopeful thing I want to happen here and I'm too much of a cowarad to check it all the time or.... mention it. lol to ANYONE. *sigh* Oh well.
But I really haven't been here because I have been busy. If I'm not wokring homework it's commision work or trying to catch up on sleep... or being sick. I've been in 'tired' mode for a week now, which is what happened when I had mono 2 years ago....;____; it doesn't seem that long ago. haha....
anyway. yeah... I actually have three commisions now. :3 and my mom saw a bithday present I"m doing for someone in progress and she's like " I want one! .... if I have money....." lol so that was odd.
I'm also making a piece, or pieces, that will be featured in a festival-type-thing at my old school and will be auctioned off. I'm a bit nervous for that, I must say. Part, or all, of the money goes to the school.... but it's geet my work out. =^^= I almost like sculpting like this more than drawing. o_o; .... almost.....
yeah.......

haha. Seeing how my grandmother got taken to the hospital in an ambulence, the car's starting to stall all the time--my future car, by the way. My crush, although I know and knew he's gay, loves sharing with me how he likes this one guy.... and that's heartbreaking. but I will accept it and see how they work if they get together.
art class pisses me off. *sighs* I get reminded of my imperfections in art way too much. .... *shakes head* When i get the chance to express my own individual stories and ideas through art.... I can only think of ROMANCE which is NOT what I want to express. at all. That's not me. Not the side I want to talk about. *sighs*
writing. T__T... I don't even want to go into that. every time I write I feel horrible because I think I shouldn't even call myself a writer.
and I seem really emo.
funny thing was I dressed gothic today. platform buckle boots and all.
..... *headdesk*