like the title says. The contest is still going and I would love for more people to join it! (see the journal for details)











apart from that (and sorry for the cussing) but I feel like shit. I just have one thing over another pilling up and I have NO ONE I can talk to. I don't want to get bitched at by people saying 'there are worse situations' and things like that. I need people to talk to that just... are there right now. and no one is. and I thought I couldn't write a journal because of the contest but that's still running and I need to get it out because what else am I going to do? Explode because I have to hold it in? =____=
Some things might be offensive to some people and I don't mean for it to be so please don't comment on this by telling me off or saying I'm a horrible person.
My friend's dad lost her job and it really freaked me out because I hate money situation when they go bad. I can barely even watch them on tv shows because I get so freaked out that I just have to leave it. and I want to be there for her. I don't mind talking about it and stuff.... I just freak out secretly. I know my dad hasn't lost his job--and that makes me lucky! but he's quitting right when I start college. and he's talking about going to California just to see an old friend of his. and I'm like "...what about using that money for my college fund?" he's already ruled out so many colleges for me. I can't even look at some letters I get in the mail... and there's worse... but it still hurts and I still cry over it.
Things like that have gotten me mad at my dad. I've gotten very seperated from him and we get into arguements a lot and he hurts me a LOT. (Like by laughing when I tell him what I want to do for a living or what I want my legacy to be) and he tries tomake things funny and tease when it's just not the time for it. and so my mom left for a week and i was alone for him. Bonding time? not so much. I feel more seperated than ever. He worked from before I woke up to 5 or later. I couldn't go out because my friends were either working or were with other friends or I had seen them too much already and my parents thought I didn't need to see them more. It was really awful and all I could do is try to do what I do--which is draw and paint and write... and I read a bit. but he kept trying to ask me what I was drawing or painting and I just can't tell him anymore because it breaks my heart every time he laughs at me ): I can't handle that from my own parents. I just can't. So my mom got home and my dad and I got into a mini arguement (you know, the half-hearted kind) and she said 'well that is certainly something I didn't miss" ... and so now I don't feel like I can talk to her, either. and I feel like I should--I have ALL my life. but I'll just be wrong and she'll just say my dad really does care and he does actually love me (we've talked about it before) but it just keeps being unproven over and over for me.
So I painted... and it's coming along and I told some of my friends about it and they really loved the idea so I was really happy about that... but I'm just not.
I wrote that stream of consciousness.... and I have one person on here I admire as a writer. Who I always want input from.... and none this time. and I know thee's time and stuff like that. stuff going on. and so I feel stupid for feeling like thisbut I just do... and I've been trying and trying to ignore it. Put things in my mind like I'm always told to. "busy" "haven't read anything in days" I have to keep that in my head before it starts drifting to "no want"which always leads to "I'm not a writer in which people wait for me to write something else" which is a common thing in my mind.
I went to my grandmother's house. My last grandparent. She's not doing well. at all. and truthfully, I don't know why she's not dead yet with her medical problems. :\ ... and my brother got into a fight with his boyfriend. They didn't break up but it was when his boyfriend got drunk and some things were said that shouldn't have been.
hardly anyone is on here anymore.... and there's other things that happen but... I dunno. I'm sorry if I seem overly down. (and it's actually not the monthly thing. ) so yeah...

tt everyone later